Friday, March 17, 2006

Meth Madness!!

Hello Friends!

Has been some time between drinks yet the occasion of St Patrick's day surely merits hearty libations and tales tell and true...apologies to my long suffering family for subjecting you to the same tired cricketing remarks for so long on the blog. Work has been mental of late. Happily I have been put in charge of the region's methamphetamine strategy and although I am enjoying the challenge immensely this work is very much more difficult than anything I've had to handle at work thus far and so I have been forced to learn quickly, adapt on my feet and generally bullshit my way through long periods of relative ineptitude! Ahh I knew those years of study would one day pay off ... consider the following phrase 'ahh yes looking forward we anticipate the completion of our strategic operational review prior to end of fiscal when we plan to action our strategies in an integrated and coordinated fashion with the support of key partners". Meanwhile, stroke chin, maintain good eye contact...exude a quiet air of knowing confidence...

See what this all means is that we are developing a plan which we one day intend to implement; the trick is to say it all fast enough so anyone who may have been foolish enough to be paying attention gets lost after the first unbearable clause and then loses track of the detail in all the grammatical tom-foolery! Hey presto! Minds drift, eyes glaze over whilst mercifully, bureacratic types overlook the fact that close to 6 million dollars has changed hands without us actually commiting to do anything concrete with it! It was like Imelda Marcos at Harrods! Zeros flying around the room like nobody's business. My head was spinning and then my boss pulled me aside at the close of the meeting and said "right that's your job to spend it - just make sure you have a strategy for the Ministry by Friday".

Well suffice to say I promptly booked a helicopter for the flight back to Vancouver with cigars and cognac to pass an interminably trying trip. Considered having myself plated in gold yet it seemed a little premature given that such costs had yet to be included in our key deliverables. Oh well I have a strategy to work on...maybe at a stretch I can settle for those 20k bowers and wilkins loud speakers I saw in London last year...maybe I could book the helicopter again and pop over on the weekend to test drive them!

I told you these tales would be tall yet true! Ok the 6 mill and the helicopter flight really happened though the rest is more of a confabulation - I think that's what Freud called wish fulfillment or maybe that was more to do with the cigar bit. Hmmm.

Anyway, I've been paying close attention to some master deal makers these last couple of weeks and of course my role has been to sit at the back of the room say something vaguely intellegent when my boss gives me that "this is what I brought you here for" look and then shut up again. Apparently I'm the only one who doesn't have a schedule that requires two people to manage it so I get the job of leading the meth strategy. colleagues have begun suggesting discrete psychiatrists for the seemingly inevitable nervous breakdown.. I think they are joking!

Well at least I can tell people what I actually do at work now! For a long time people thought I was that lucky Australian who got to hire research assistants to do his work for him and then sit around all day reading and telling people how hard it all is to solve drug problems. Yeh right like we needed another PhD to tell us that!

But now I have a meth strategy!

Just don't use it kids! Be good, stay in school, listen to your Mum, behave. Learn how to play an instrument.

It's a work in progress...ideas?




At 7:38 PM , Blogger hell said...

hey clever,

goodluck. mr lucky those in the know. strine. to those even further in the know...

how right are they with that one?

now, get to work...

At 6:13 PM , Anonymous kimberley said...

hey cam,

ice age is a 4 corners program on methamphetamine use in australia. website here -

love to you both,

kimberley xox


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